They say the eyes are a gateway to the soul. I believe in that saying as I have once viewed into the depth of a person’s soul, and found it to be beautiful. But when that person gazed into mine’s, my tortured soul was too much. The baggage of my past shaped me to be the person I have become, and that baggage was too heavy. It’s too heavy in general for most people. I was tossed aside like trash. It happened enough to make me avert my gaze when speaking with someone.

There it is again. That feeling I get whenever I’m engaged in conversation with a person, and I can’t look them in the eye. It’s nothing to do with the person or the conversation, but for a while I have had an issue with meeting someone’s eye. Somehow I fear that instinctual connection to someone whenever our eyes lock. There is that hesitation of making a real connection with anyone.

It’s because I don’t want them to see. I don’t want them to see the tragedies of an abusive childhood stretching well into my teen years. The struggles with thoughts of suicide, and depression has left me a little…I’m unsure of the word. It left me a little sad and alone and weakened. Is it weak for me to long for a connection, but never do? That could be the depression, but isn’t that part of my soul? Maybe the true reason for not making a connection is…is the thought of someone rejecting who I am again.

 

Image: Broken Soul by SlashRiot

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