I lied to myself for so many years thinking I had conquered depression, and the negative thoughts that seem to plague my mind every now and again. The sense of being wrong was not strong enough to portray the feelings I felt with in from my own self-discovery. It was more like a betrayal. It was the sense of me having stabbed myself in the back, figuratively.
The truth is I kind of turned a blind eye to what I was really feeling inside. Those negative and dark emotions just sat at bay waiting for their chance to resurface. All while I had meditated, and actively produced positive thoughts and strength within so I would avoid ever falling victim to extreme depression again. The fault is within myself for believing that I was strong enough to never fall back.
That sharp pain has opened my mind to what I had really done. Meditation provided the sense of calmness needed for my anxiety. It opened my mind in ways that would allow me to categorize my internal afflictions. If I had something that worried me, then I would either find a solution, wait till I can solve it, or toss the issue aside if there was no solution. Silly me, I thought this was the answer to my problems with depression.
My depression also stems from things much deeper such as the times I was molested as a child, struggle with my sexual orientation, and other things. I struggle with staying positive, and that is what causes my depression to worsen and deepen. No amount of advice or even changing my own thought process could stop the negative flow of words and feelings I feed to myself.
Feelings of self-loathing (from time to time), not being good enough, or not being strong enough swirl through me as I consistently feel like I am failing at living. Whether it be a situation I can or cannot control, the moment I start feeling down those negative thoughts come spilling in. And before I know it, I’m back being depressed. It’s a constant battle that I continue to fight on a daily basis, and there are times where it becomes so tiresome.
I remember in another post I talked with you all about a time in my past when I was extremely depressed, and thoughts of truly giving up were at an all-time high. It has been hard to admit it, but I’m at that place again. The only difference is that my spirit won’t allow me to give up, and neither will my pride. I’m stuck in this heavy medium trying to figure out what to do. So what do I do? I’m writing this because this is the only thing I can do. It’s to share. And hopefully it will do something for me or maybe if I read it the answer will be here.
The reason I feel betrayed is because I’ve been tossing aside negative feelings instead of actually feeling them, understanding them, and then moving forward being positive. I know that there will be some people who will get hurt by reading this, and for that I apologize. If you truly know me, then you’ll know that there are times where I cannot express or talk about how I feel verbally. Writing is my truest outlet, and there are so many things I share through my writing that I feel incapable of speaking out loud. Sometimes it because of shame, and other times it’s because I need days to think about what I can say in a way that someone will understand.
For all who are reading this, I just want to say thank you. And I also want to apologize for throwing this at you. I know I am not alone in this, and I appreciate you all for taking the time out to read, like, or comment. And for those who know others and have no way of understanding how to talk to someone about depression, do some research, and then ask the person what it is you can do to help. Everyone handles, deals, and experience depression in different ways. Please understand that for a lot of us who go through it, it can be extremely hard overcome.
Until the next time,
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