I never understood what she liked about cloudy days. They’re usually cold and dreary, leaving you with little strength to muster up the energy for the day ahead. You’d walk around and see the dull faces of the people crowding the streets with no smile upon their face. She was the only exception. I remember one cold winter day where the sun hid behind the clouds the whole time as being one of the brightest days. It was her smile. She only smiled that happy grin on cloudy days and never understood why that was. I vaguely can recall her explanation of it. She said, “Cloudy days may be gray and gloomy, but it is when people show their true colors from within. On those days, I never feel alone.”
I never understood what she meant and I didn’t figure it out until later down the line. If I knew what she meant, maybe I could have helped her in time. See, she’s no longer here with us. For the longest, the reason as to why she left was so foreign to me. She may not have been the most positive woman out there, but I at least thought she was happy. I mean, we did many things together and never once did I notice what she was going through. Trips to the amusement park, late nights filled with love making, dates to the museum and movies, and not once did I notice that hint of sorrow. I didn’t notice the signs until now.
She always had this stoic look placed upon her face when no one was talking to her. You’d sometimes see the frown lines etched in her forehead the moments she was lost in thought. When asked if anything is wrong she’d give this small side smile and say I’m ok. Never once did I notice her eating habits the times we’ve gone out. She’d order small meals and never finish, stating that she is full. At home alone is where you’d find her when she wasn’t out or with me. Her hobbies consisted of reading, writing, and drinking tea. I never noticed her lack of social life. Well, that’s because she had me.
The times we made love were passionate and soul binding, but never heard from her lips once that she felt connected to me. It may have been weird, but that sort of thing didn’t bother me. She didn’t have to say it for me to feel it because she was the type of person to speak with her actions. Her kindness was one of the things that attracted me to her, but the mysteriousness of her and her eyes are what grabbed me. She had some of the saddest eyes I’ve ever seen. It’s as if she’s cried a thousand tears, and no one could tell it happened. She was aloof in many things, but she made me happy. I loved her.
In my own way, I thought I knew and understood her. That assumption is one that I made on my own. With her gone I’ve realized how bad of a partner I was to her. Those sad eyes held and shed tears filled with pain and sorrow, and it all was something I turned a blind eye to. We’d have long conversations about her feelings and mines, but never really understood to understand her. I had it in my own head that I understood her even when she shook her head at me and stated that I didn’t. She was right, and never did I notice how she ceased to come to me about her inner torments. I thought she was getting better.
Cloudy days have never been so beautiful, and the appeal of them has increased since I last saw her. It’s been weeks since she’s been gone, but she has not left my mind since then. With a glance of all the people around me I finally see what she meant. The no smile faces, somber moods, and the grey toned scene before me reflected how I felt inside. Sad. Every person around me on this cloudy day seemed sad and lacked energy. It’s as if the façade many of us put on every day when out in public is shed once the sun hides. That connection, that feeling of not being alone is what she always mentioned, and now I understand. This feeling is not a positive one however. The depth of this sadness is nothing that I’ve ever known before, and it makes me question as to why she may have felt this sad.
My insomnia induced nights are filled with thoughts and memories of her. Why can’t I remember why she felt so sad? The amount of guilt I feel from never truly listening and being there when she was in need shakes me. I miss her so much and have so many questions now that I’m truly ready to listen and understand, but that will never happen. Days pass and I don’t even seem to notice the fifty-four voicemails flashing red on my caller ID. I haven’t showered, left my bed, or have eaten in days. I still can’t figure out why she was so sad, and that led me to take another swig of this bottle of Jack I’ve been cuddling with for…I’m not sure how long it’s been now.
At some point I passed out and dreamed of her. Her sad eyes, caramel skin, and curly hair were all that I saw. I heard her serene voice tell me she’s sorry and that she misses me and all that did was make me long for her more. Unsure of the day or time, I woke up and ran to the bathroom to spill my guts. I wasn’t sure what caused me to hop in the shower after that, but I know either my body odor or appearance warranted it. As the warm water beat against my skin I realized that there is a way to see her. She may be far away but she is easy to get to.
It’s been a while since I’ve been excited about anything. I showered, did my hair, put on my best clothes, cleaned up, and then cooked a meal. I wasn’t sure of the last time I ate, but I scarfed down the fried rice I made and proceeded to grab my bottle of Jack. I must admit I was nervous to see her. What would I say? How can I apologize? Those thoughts permeated my mind to no end but it didn’t deter me. A handful of prescription pills she left behind along with emptying the bottle of Jack left me woozy. I sat back on my pillow and stared at the ceiling to bide my time.
I never stated this is how she left me and that I was the one to find her body. Her cold pale skin was ashen compared to my own as I continuously shook her. Tears carved streaks into my cheeks as I realized the one person that truly mattered to me was gone. She never said good-bye. Never explained why she had to leave, but that fault fell on me. I’m certain she told me everything, but I didn’t care enough to listen. I didn’t see her for who she was, I only saw what I wanted in her, and as my eyes close I will finally be able to make up and truly get to know her. Darkness was all that I saw until a bright light blinded me and brought me to a mirror. I was staring at her in this very moment, and that’s when I realized…I was staring at me.